Once and For All
by ForestFireSong
Summary: In which Sousuke realizes he isn't, and will probably never be, enough to Rin. [Vague Sourin]


**A/N: Just some Sousuke angst I churned out after one too many angsty headcanons. Kind of Sourin-ish? Whether or not Rin reciprocates can be left up to interpretation. **

**But yeah, figured I should put this out there before the new episode tomorrow. Who else is scared? Hah…hah… **

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><p>"Sousuke?"<p>

Shock jolted through Sousuke's body at the sound of his name being called, and he turned his head only briefly to see who it was that had called his name.

That was his first mistake.

Sitting on a hospital bench under the fluorescent lights was Kisumi Shigino, one of Rin's friends from Iwatobi and by extension, Sousuke's friend. His wrist was wrapped, and it vaguely registered to the taller boy that he must've had some kind of basketball incident or something to land him in the hospital.

Mostly, he was regretting acknowledging his name being called. How hard would it have been to keep on walking, ignoring Kisumi so that he wouldn't know, no one else would know about the shoulder injury that had landed him the hospital? Not hard at all.

But there was no way out now.

Kisumi rose from his bench, patting him (thankfully) on his uninjured shoulder, using his unwrapped hand. "Sousuke! How've you been? I haven't seen you in awhile."

"Well." Sousuke responded, and then added as an afterthought, "However 'well' you can be in this place."

Kisumi's grin melted into a frown. "Yeah, I know. What's the matter, if it's all right with me asking? I thought, that can't be Sousuke, and when I saw it was, I got really worried!"

"Tell me yours first."

Kisumi shook his head impatiently. "It's nothing. I just injured my wrist during basketball, is all. C'mon, what happened?"

Sousuke pursed his lips. He didn't want to talk about it at all. He had nothing against Kisumi; aside from being very flirtatious and pushy at times, he was someone Sousuke did consider a friend. But his condition was already weighing enough on his mind without discussing it with someone he hadn't spoken to in years.

Still, he didn't want to seem rude.

"Torn rotator cuff." he told Kisumi stiffly. The pink-haired boy's eyes widened.

"Really? Is it serious?"

Sousuke contemplated what to say for a second before shaking his head slightly. "It's not fatal. I just… probably shouldn't do any draining activities anymore, or at least for the time being."

Realization dawned on Kisumi's face. "Are you still swimming, then?"

"Yes."

"So you can't do that anymore?" Kisumi's brows furrowed in concern. "But only for awhile, right?"

"Yes." Sousuke said again, not wanting to get into it with Kisumi. Losing the time for training and tournaments would be disastrous to his career- but that wasn't what he was worried about. In reality, after the surgery, his doctor had told him he should just quit swimming altogether, as he wouldn't have the same range of motion as before, and could risk injuring himself again.

Not for the time being. Forever.

"Well, that's good." Kisumi smiled, and Sousuke felt his chest tighten. He tried to calm down. "Hey, what about your friends on the swim team? Makoto and Haru? Oh, and Rin? How are all of them?"

Suddenly the tightening in Sousuke's chest was too much to bear. He couldn't look at Kisumi, or at the lights, or at anything. And God, he'd tried not to cry. He was too old for crying, and this was not something that should be cried over. But the lights started to blur in front of his eyes, disappearing into round blobs of yellow and white.

"I- I've got to go."

"Wait, Sousuke!" Kisumi was calling his name, but Sousuke had turned on his heel and started striding away as fast as he could. His longs legs certainly helped in that respect. And they, at least, were still functional.

He managed to make it outside before taking in a deep breath that came out like a wheeze. And then he was coughing, almost tasting blood from biting down hard on his lip to avoid letting all of it out.

Most people knew Sousuke as good-natured but serious, constantly sporting a stoic expression. Given how well-built he was physically, he projected something of a tough guy image

_I'm too old for this… I shouldn't be crying like this…!_

But it was Rin, so everything was different. Of course it was different with Rin. Somehow, the redhead flipped everything around in the most fascinating, maddening way. He could turn Sousuke's frown into a smile or a laugh, turn his cool composure to ashes, and force open what was closed off to everyone else.

God, he was so entrenched in it.

So completely Rin's. Sousuke had come to the conclusion that he was in love with Rin a long time ago, That wasn't the problem. The problem lay in the fact that while he was Rin's, Rin wasn't his.

Sousuke settled heavily on a bench, still trying to keep the tears in. But that was useless as well. Another thing claimed by Rin, without even knowing it.

After all, Sousuke had wanted to cry, back when he was in elementary school and checked the mailbox every day to see what letters Rin had sent him, returning every day empty-handed. He hadn't, convincing himself Rin was just going through a tough time in Australia. He would respond. They were still best friends.

But it had been so each for doubt to push its way into Sousuke's mind- doubt that Rin no longer needed him, going to a fancy swimming school overseas, and that maybe he had set his sights on worthier competition. That is to say, Nanase. Haruka Nanase, the freestyle swimmer, and who was apparently amazing enough for Rin to switch chase after in hopes of being on the same swim team.

Sousuke let out a shuddering sigh, feeling it in every part of his body. _At least these aren't tears. Not yet_. That was the reason he'd trained so vigorously dance Rin left for Australia- staying in the pool long after his teammates had left, honing his skill at butterfly till he was the best on the team, but even that wasn't. He couldn't just be good. He had to be the best. Like Haru.

In their argument, Sousuke had told Rin he swam for himself. But that wasn't true. After all this time, he swam for Rin.

So what good was it? All the strain and tension put on his shoulder to better himself to make himself the shining star in Rin's eyes, when there'd always been a brighter light. Sousuke should've known. He wasn't enough, not as Rin's best friend, not as one of the best butterfly swimmers in the country, and especially not now, his shoulder ruined, his confidence destroyed, and his dreams- ones of swimming beside Rin- gone without a trace.

He'd never be enough.

It was a conclusion, a final nail in the coffin, so Sousuke couldn't fathom why it hurt so much, but it did. He wanted to scream at Rin, tell him how he waited and waited and then trained himself into exhaustion and injury and spent years of his life hoping that somehow, he could catch his best friend's eye, a beep on his radar.

But he couldn't blame Rin, and the last thing Sousuke wanted was for him to be unhappy. What a sorry mess he was.

There was a _thump_ on the bench before him, and Sousuke lifted his head slightly to see Kisumi sitting there. There was no point to scrubbing away his tears; they had already left their marks against his face. He didn't speak, waiting for Kisumi to talk or touch him or something.

"You can't swim anymore, can you?" He said finally.

"No."

"And Rin is the one you..." Kisumi trailed off, but Sousuke could tell from the look in his eyes he knew, somehow, of his pathetic pining for Rin. Maybe he was reminded of how he himself looked at Makoto, and Makoto at Haru.

"Yes."

Sousuke waited again for the speaking, the exclamations, but there were none, only murmured apologies as Kisumi placed a gentle hand on Sousuke's back and left it there, neither of them talking.

Sousuke tried to take solace in the moment, one of the most comforting silences he'd experienced since the surgery. It worked, but only momentarily; he was jerked out of his temporary peace of mind by the aching of his shoulder. With that it all spiraled down again; his worthlessness in his inability to swim his pending worthlessness in Rin's eyes; the pain and long nights spent awake crying from aching both physical and mental; it all mixed together in Sousuke's head, and all he could do was rub his shoulder again with a wince and picture Rin's smiling face. It was the only thing to get him through the pain, the thought that no matter what physical harm he might cause himself, they would swim together again, and Rin would give him that smile at the end of a grueling race.

It was the only thing to get Sousuke through even though he knew it was less than a dream.


End file.
